Michael Jackson gave a spectacular performance at the 2009 American Music Awards. Wait, no he didn't; he's dead. (Image via Wikipedia)

Here are some random thoughts on last night’s American Music Awards show on ABC:

— Overall a very lackluster show. With the exception of a couple of acts (Whitney Houston’s tearful “I’m back” moment; Lady Gaga), most of the performers seemed to be just going through the motions. Unfortunately for Jennifer Lopez and Adam Lambert, those motions included falling.

— Janet Jackson’s extremely ho-hum opening number brought the AMA show to a crashing thud before it barely started, a fall from which the show never really recovered. I actually began to feel sorry for Miss Jackson, knowing that there were plenty of singers and dancers yet to come on the bill with much greater talent.

— Oh, and by the way, Janet, Luke Skywalker called: He wants his clothes back.

— The audience was amazingly lacking in zeal, except for Seth Green who at one point appeared to be having sex with his date.

— My daughter was taken aback when I mentioned — for the umpteenth time — that I just don’t understand the appeal — or any discernible performance talent — of Jay Z. But that’s just me. Seriously, it’s just me: I can’t find any other living being on the planet who agrees with me.

— When I saw the separate audience shots of Adam Lambert and Perez Hilton, I was reminded of my grandmother’s old collection of salt-and-pepper shakers.

— My daughter had to explain to me that Jennifer Lopez’s song (which will forever be known to me as the “Fall On My Ass Song”) was about her putting on her shoes.

— Whitney Houston’s emotional number prior to her acceptance of the Greatest Entertainer History Will Ever Encounter Award (or whatever it was) was a great moment of television and, to me, the highlight of the show, but did the AMAs really need to deify her with her Lady Jesus gown and backlighting that projected a halo behind her head? (Whitney’s song will forever be known to me as “Janet Jackson, Don’t Even Bother Picking Up a Microphone Ever Again.”)

— Adam Lambert’s climactic number (pardon the unfortunate pun) was almost laughable in its utter cluelessness as to what century this is. Was all of that simulated oral sex and kissing of band members and crotch grabbing supposed to be provocative? Come on, folks, on TV award shows we’ve seen umpteen incarnations of Madonna, not to mention the current incarnation of Lady Gaga. Watching Lambert’s showcase, I thought I was watching an ’80s homage. It certainly seemed, with Lambert’s over-the-top theatricality, to be nothing more than a Vegas stage piece. And what a disappointingly forgetable song it was. I’m not a big hip-hop fan at all, but this morning I found myself still humming Timbaland’s song, while I couldn’t remember a note of Lambert’s.

— Speaking of Timbaland, until last night I had never heard of the French singer SoShy, who performed with Mr. Land and Nelly Furtado. She’s, umm … impressive.

— A question raised by my daughter: Was the set of Alicia Keys‘ solo number supposed to invoke the old Fly Girls rooftop set of “In Living Color”?

— I’m still haunted by the image of the tall guy in the vest standing still and silent in the front row. I don’t know who he was, but he didn’t move a single muscle throughout the entire show.

— It seems odd, for some reason, that someone could be described as both cute and classy, but that’s Taylor Swift.

— How many more years will the AMAs be able to get away with giving awards to Michael Jackson?